Christian Testimonies: The Stories of Our Lives

It can be difficult to find time to go be alone when you're a mom with children and a husband. The time came where I felt like I couldn't climb out of the funk I was in. I had been feeling rejected by everyone I encountered. I knew Satan had a play in this.

I went to church Sunday morning and felt so beat up by the pictures—like a film running in my head of everyone in my life I could think of and the rejection I felt from each of them. The tears kept coming as the Pastor spoke on the Cornerstone that was rejected. My husband, friends, kids, family, my in-laws--the list goes on of rejection I felt.

I went to the altar and prayed and cried. I still could not get peace or hear from the Lord completely, and I knew He had answers for me. The day went on. I napped, my husband Derek and l made dinner for a birthday, I went to Bible study. The feelings of rejection and loneliness would not let up. I'm trying to pray the entire time, even when I used the bathroom. I see the word "alone" right next to the toilet on the seat covers. I desperately wanted to go out and find a lake and a quiet spot to lay under the stars. The night sky and stars have meant so much to me and have brought me comfort since my oldest son went off to the Marines. I can look up and have the comfort of knowing we are underneath the same night sky. After Bible study, I got coffee with my dear friend. We sat outside staring at the Starbucks’ parking lot full of cars and people. I thought things just weren't working for me.

I decided to go by the house, tuck my 4-year-old in bed, and tell my husband what l felt I needed to do. I needed to go to find that place outside, and I knew God had an answer for me. I thought Derek would think I was nuts, but he said. "OK, babe."

My friend graciously drove me up to Antelope Lake. I wanted to go to where I had remembered a boat launch and a dock where I could just lay down and look up. It was years ago since I had been there. I had no idea how to get there. My friend found the spot even though not knowing exactly what I was talking about. A sign said, "Day Use Only," but I didn't care. I knew God was waiting for me, and I for Him to speak.

Pitch black with a phone light, we parked and walked to the dock and laid there. In the still of the night, there were falling stars and a canopy of stars all over the sky. There were huge trees and their reflections were completely over the still lake. "Be still and know that I am God." It was so peaceful. Lying flat on my back staring at the sky, I felt not a care or worry in the world. Then God said, "This is what trust in Me feels like. In your storms, find your peace as you sense now by trusting deeply in

Me. You can trust Me." "I know, Lord, I can trust you with my thoughts."

The night rolled by. I knew there was more to come. Time moved on, but it also felt like it stood so still. It was so lovely and what I needed. I wasn't about to leave until my answers or word from God was complete. I had known on my way home from Bible study that God had started to tell me to be me—in all situations just be me, don't lose yourself, stand firm at your own gate.

As the night went on, stars fell all around. The sky was so full, like a blanket of stars that canopied over me and felt more enclosed than normal. It was comforting, and God told me that He was there holding, consoling, and snuggling me.

As I looked up there were so many stars that I could not find the dippers. I kept thinking life is supposed to be beautiful and all I see is a mess. I'm a clean freak and like order. I thought, "Lord, there is no order looking up." It was like a huge mess of stars everywhere. God showed me that this is how I feel—like my life is chaos and a mess. "Yes, Lord, this is how I truly feel and rejection in every situation.” He spoke, "See all those stars. Each one may be a trial and feel a mess, but you are the Light and your Light leaves an effect in each one of those situations you go through. And your Light, My presence, stays forever and ministers in those moments, and people don't ever forget. My Light shines forever and leaves an impression and My glory because of you. Don't lose yourself. Wherever you go, keep being you and keep going, because when you are around them, you're My Light that stays with them forever and they need Me.”

“Lord, I asked, “Why me?” I’m tired, I’m not strong enough to keep doing this.” The Lord replied, “I chose you because you are My vessel. You are full of love and a caring heart, forgiving, and you are willing, you being My Light and glory.

When I looked up into the messy sky of stars, I saw my life. There will always be circumstances to encounter and those hard times. Life is messy. "But don't stop being you," God said. Then I asked, "Lord, what is the bigger picture here and the beauty because this is messy?" God answered, "Each and every little time you left My Light, a star was left which created a blanket of stars—My Light—that has lit up the sky and lights up the whole world. I choose you. Be encouraged, not feeling rejected. This is a spiritual thing, so don't take personally any behavior or rejection from others, just be you and let your love flow and your Light shine for My glory."

So no one can tell me, "No, you should not go." God says for me to go and be His Light. It's making a difference even if I do not see it.